There's something seriously wrong with this film. It's as though every single component was focus-grouped to death, until all that was left was a sprawling, ineffectual mess. It's a shame and a half that this is the case, because beneath the fever dream of a movie we were given lies something much more interesting. The moments of clarity come so rarely, but strike so fully, that I almost feel I imagined them.
First, let me get the good out of the way, because there are some good things that stood out to me. The vocal performances by Johnny Knoxville as Leonardo, Alan Ritchson as Raphael, Noel Fisher as Michelangelo, and Jeremy Howard as Donatello feel natural and seeing their personalities and interactions really brightens up an otherwise mute affair. While on the topic of the Turtles, let it be known that the points that struck me the most (pun intended) were the brief moments during their fight sequences where the camera just lets them exist. While Bay is in the Producer position, this time, it certainly seems as if his bizarre-yet-sometimes-effective camera work has rubbed off onto director Jonathan Liebesman.
I honestly hope that somewhere in the Multiverse exists a rip-off of "The Raid" made with the Turtles. The sequence within their sewer hideout is the stand out moment, for me, bringing to mind an entire film revolving around the Turtles attempting to defend their home from a variety of enemies, or their attempting to scale some sort of tower. It's an old premise, but it's one that would have given plenty of room for their personalities to shine and play off of each other. Unfortunately, that isn't the film we have.
This film makes the odd choice of positioning Megan Fox's April O'Neal as the lead, then putting next to no substance within her, then pairing her with Will Arnett's similarly empty Vern Fenwick. You could have removed both of these characters from the film, and it wouldn't have been much different. Actually, O'Neal was moderately useful in the beginning, but served as mostly a plot device, only to be shoved to the sidelines to let the Turtles run amok, only to push THEM back out of the way. Brilliant. William Fitchner's Eric Sacks serves as wordier, more mustache-twirling of the film's two villians. The other is the most boring Shredder of all time.
It's remarkable how shallowly created some of these characters are, and I know this kind of thing can bring out the "it's just a movie for kids" claim, but I don't see that flying. The three "Toy Story" films, and the majority of Pixar's output is aimed towards childeren, but often impress those within and surrounding the industry with their strength of storytelling. They find ways of touching upon and expressing deep human truths both through the spoken dialogue, and the visual elements, all while exploring a variety of topics. Much of Disney's animated output of the 90's to present posesses the same elements. So, suffice to say, I want a bit more for the youth than films made only to sell officially licensed products.
Even more, It should be known that this film is the latest in the inane trend of films whose story revolves around "magic blood" and it's application by the antagonist to do...something. Usually something completely overdone. So if you just LOVED this element in "Amazing Spiderman 2", "Star Trek Into Darkness", or "Prometheus" then OH BOY. Is this the film for you.
Perhaps, in the future installments of this franchise ( a fact which both intrigues and frightens me) the screenwriters and directors will wise up and minimize the hollow characterizations of the non-turtle characters, let the martial arts speak for itself and not use such superfluous camera work, and avoided retreading already tired plotlines. I mean, think of the children.
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